Rising from that defining night!!!

That Defining Night-that defining moment!!!

That evening that definitely changed everything…

I still remember it as vivid as if it happened today

24 years later I still can’t forget an inch of it…

I will talk about it now that I have found my voice,

I will never be silenced again,

Pressed down on that sofa, tongue in my mouth for a moment…

All I could do was scream, tears running down my cheeks

I did not know what was happening to me, but I knew that this was so wrong

I felt as if I was being ripped open…

The pain was so unbearable,

What was happening to me? I wondered.

 

Tired of screaming and realising there would be no refugee, I just got lost in the moment

The screaming stopped; tears continued streaming down my cheeks

How could he be doing this to me?,

He was a priest trainee,

Mukoma Dickson I knew him, now I could not recognise him

What had gotten into him?

Why was this happening to me?

I will kill you and your family if you tell, he said,

A knife neatly tucked by his side,

I would die if I spoke so I was silenced.

That evening that changed everything, that evening that has had a lifetime impact on me…

 

Now this is my story, walking around with a fresh wound that never seems to heal…

Bandages, salts, betadine cant heal this wound, a wound I carry around…

That night that literally is a nightmare, that night that has made me for a long time struggle with my self esteem and confidence…

Torn apart like a piece of paper is what happened to me that night…

Hallucinations, playbacks, are a part of my reality,

A reality that many won’t understand,

A reality that sometimes throws me off balance,

A reality that has impacted greatly on my world outlook,

Hurtful words I have been told, ‘you are damaged goods…’, ‘you are loose you are not a virgin at your age?’, ‘Pull yourself together, rape isn’t anything out of this world because almost every woman’s first sexual experience is rape,’ ‘Forgive and forget and move on, you are dwelling too much on the past,’

Words from people that are ignorant of the inherent pain I am living with every day …

I have had to suck it all up in , it has killed me but I am glad I have found my voice,

A voice that will never be taken away from me…

 

Lived my life shrouded in so much pain and hurt,

Longing to be normal was my everyday dream,

Until I realised that my pain and hurting was my authentic normal and I had to use it to change many lives…

With this newfound voice I will talk until I see the change I hope to see,

Scars are still there but they keep reminding me of the wars and battles I have been through and now I look at myself as a victor, a wounded warrior…

Smiling hides the pain within but this pain has helped me grow and become a better version of me.

I have come to know and understand rape is about power and priviledge,

Instead of blaming myself for it, I now understand I did nothing to deserve being raped

It wasn’t my fault but the RAPIST’s…

 

I am a victor whose pain and hurt will be driven towards changing the lives of many…

I honour and embrace that young self who was traumatised to shape me into the person I am today,

I cherish my new found voice and I will never be silent about that defining night,

I choose happiness above all else…

 

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